Your mother-in-law may be the biggest challenge
you have to face in getting married. I’m not kidding! Even if you have everything else worked out – where you’re going to live, what jobs you’ll have, whether you’ll have kids or not – you may find the mother-in-law factor is so unpredictable and disarming that it can throw your relationship into turmoil. And for some strange reason, it’s normally the guy’s mother that seems to be the most difficult to deal with. What can you do about it? Try some of the following:
When conflict arises, side with your spouse against your mother
This is super important. Your mother-in-law can’t come between you and your spouse unless you allow it. If you make a point of always siding with your spouse (at least publicly) no matter what, then you can discuss controversial topics later on privately and try to come to some sort of resolution. Remember, it is a natural part of evolution to shift your center of focus away from your parents and onto your partner. Clinging on to the old focus is not living truly in the present and will cause problems. Find a way to respect your mother-in-law’s opinion and let her have it without needing to take it on or letting disrupt Who You Are in any way. She had her time getting married, raising kids or doing whatever it was, 20 to 30 years ago. Now it’s your turn.
Have clear boundaries
Get clear on what your domain is and express that as gently but firmly as you can. Of course you’re going to get parenting advice. If it reaches a point where it’s becoming too much, say that you appreciate her trying to help but that you have the situation under control. If she’s telling you horror stories about marriage that may cloud your vision, tell her you’re sorry that she experienced that, but that you hope to create something different and that you’d rather not hear it.
Be polite but assertive
It’s important to state your feelings and assert your needs in a given situation before the tension leads to anger and name-calling. You don’t want to say something that you will later regret and end up apologizing for.
Remember: your mother-in-law really want a relationship with her grandkids …
I’m not advocating using your kids as some sort of bargaining chip, but if your mother-in-law becomes intolerable, it would be wise to gently remind her that the more she can get along with you, the more she’ll see her grandkids and the more everyone will benefit. She gets a relationship with her grandkids, you and your spouse get some free babysitting and time off to relax, and the kids get to know their grandmother (and probably get spoiled by them!). It really is a win/win/win. Naturally, the better she can get along with you, the more likely you are to speak highly of her around the kids and encourage a relationship between them.